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Friday January 19, 2018 

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Our Children

Click on a name below to see their page


Danielle McCarthy

Christi Nowak

Anke Furber

Levi Wren

Ephrain Schultz
New York

Mark R Ellis
Rhode Island

Sean P. Efford
New Mexico

Caitlyn Brady
New Hampshire

Katty McGuire Andrea

JP Faulk

Michael Miller

Chuck Tabaka

Miranda Daly

Jamie Leavitt

Kaylin Marie Mathews

RJ Davis

Billy Grandchamp
Rhode Island

Nicholas Werhofnik

Rebecca Marks
New York

Dustin Kueter
South Dakota

Chase Denver Julian

Katelynn Porter

Tony Trujillo

Billy Joe Towle Jr.

Kelley Wilson

Rhiannon Fraser

Vivianna Satterfield
New Mexico

Kelli Laine Lewis
South Carolina

Taylor Smith

Danielle cherished family, friends and life. She had her whole life planned out; her husband, number of kids, two dogs and would be a dermatologist, a career where she could help others but have time for her family.
Christi had just enrolled in college. She just began taking First Baptist Church shuttles downtown every Thursday to befriend the homeless. Just chit chatting with them and letting them know they had a friend. In her journals, she was determined to turn her life around and she started by helping others. She volunteered often for the M.U.S.T. Ministries to help set up their clothing shop for the homeless and the children's center. She helped cooked their meals. She helped do their laundry. She wanted to go into a field helping others. She would have changed at least one person's life, for the better, when they thought there was no more hope. She didn't show up last Thursday. She died.
In the months before she was killed, 21-year-old Anke Furber had been acting scared and she seemed to know she was in danger. Several days after Furber's charred remains were discovered in a small vineyard in Norcross, Anke's mom, Ria, found a note in Anke's desk at home in Marietta. In it, Anke seemed to foreshadow her own death. She wrote, "My parents would surely grieve the loss of their wonderful daughter whose craziness would soon lead to her slaughter". Ria isnt sure exactly when the note was written, but believes it was written in a close time frame to the actual murder.
At 22 years old, Levi had goals and ambitions of being a business owner, a husband and a father. He loved his family and friends with everything in him and would do anything for you. His shyness and manners we're a shining attribute to who he was. Unfortunately, Levi befriended someone who for nearly three years took advantage of his kindness and when asked to leave his home, he killed him. If he would have just walked out the door as asked, Levi would still be here today. We'll never know all the wonderful things that Levi would have accomplished, but we know he was a "Friend" till the end.
Ephraim was 21 yrs old when he prematurely transitioned to the other side. He was a very warm hearted young man. And was always available to help friends and family. As his cousin Ben said about him: "You can lay a 1,000. on the table and know completely that Ephraim would have never taken it". He spent most of his days at Antique World in Clarence , NY which was owned and operated by his Uncle. That was my sons world. A world he will no longer be able to participate in. He is sorely missed by his family and friends.
Mark suffered a brain injury at the age of 19 the night of a high school prom. Mark died at the age of 25. Life was hard for Mark, he lived an aphasic life. Mark struggled to relearn his alphabet and to speak again. Neuro rehab, drug rehab, jails, institutions and death. Mark was disabled and a fighter all at the same time. College, heavy equipment operator, volunteering were all part of these six years. Mark loved kids and wished he had one. Due to the selfish reasoning of his so called friends, Mark will never be able to achieve his dreams that he fought so hard for. Mark's struggle is over !! PEACE..........
His friends describe him as a kind, warm hearted, full of energy, always smiling, and a very silly young man. They also said that whenever Sean walked into a room that he had the ability lighting up the room because he was full of life and energy! He loved his dad, his mom, and his sister very much. He had a very special bond with his great grandma Efford and his great aunt Charlene whom also up in heaven with him. A warm hug from Sean was just another way that he showed his affection to his family and friends
When Cayte was in the middle school she was on the track team, she was a cheerleader for the Nor-Roc Vikings, she was on a soccer team, and she loved attending the dances at the Sad Cafe. When she went to high school, all of those activities stopped. The sad reason was because she was too old. All the kids have, once they reach high school, are the woods and the homes of friends when the parents are at work. If she had activities to do after school when she went to high school, maybe this wouldn't have happened.
From her birth to her passing Katty touched so many lives. Not only did her family have the joy of watching her grow from a 6 pound baby girl to a beautiful young woman, but so many others did as well. The lives she touched are too many to fathom. Her beauty and grace preceded her where ever she went. Her heart was made of fine gold and she cared for others always before herself. She was not just special to all of us but to the Lord who saw fit to call her home at such a young age. Her mansion was ready! When we think of Katty now we all can be at peace because we know she is with her Lord, never to face this harsh world we live in day to day. She is with us always when we remember her smile, her touch, and her kind words. We all had the pleasure of being touched by an ANGEL!
We want our son's name to be Remembered and to bring hope and joy out of something that has been the darkest and heartbreaking days of our families life. JP was very out spoken and we have decided to be that way on this site and to be his voice about the drug companies and the public official's that sit back and do nothing. If we could save one person from what our family had to go Through and is still going Through, it would be all worth it We will not stop until the truth gets out. We want his memory to live on.
Time has gone by so quickly and it seems like we haven't seen your face in forever. Our hearts are broken, our tears flow so freely and our souls feel empty. Michael, you left us with so many happy memories but the memories can never take your place. We know you and your uncle Sam are saving a place for those who cherished you the most.
Two weeks before he died, Chuck called me on the phone. He was excited to tell me he was joining the National Guard. He had begun to think about being a History Teacher. He planned to attend school after basic training. He also mentioned a new girlfriend. He was pretty crazy about her but wanted to give things a little more time before making her "meet the parents". Still, we made plans to meet for lunch once July wound down. He thought we might all get together and told me not to worry, he had a job and would help pay the check. The first time I met the young lady he was so crazy about was as she cried herself senseless over his casket. She laid a broken heart chain and necklace across his hands. She wore the mating half around her slender neck. Her courage in court helped to solidify the deal that sent a drug dealer to prison. I hope she, and Chuck's other friends, make the right decision and swear off drug use so we may never see their faces on these pages.
Everyone ever touched by Miranda. This will be a tribute to the life she lived. She was the most remarkable and inspirational woman I have ever known. I was in awe of my own daughter. Even as her mother, her beauty took my breath away, and as she walked this earth from her crawling stages to adulthood her beauty from the inside amazed me. Miranda loved about every living thing and each friend she had she made her relationship with them special and unique.
Jamie was a very loving son, brother, grandson, nephew, boyfriend and friend.. Most importantly he was the best father anyone could have asked for.. Even though he was only 16 when he was taken away from us from his so called friend, he did everything for his daughter and mother of his daughter  that he had asked to marry him when he turns 18.. Jamie was the type of kid that would take his shirt off his back for anyone that needs it..  Jamie died on April 23, 2008.. If only his so called friend (29 yrs old), his mother and the other people at the home called 911 instead of waiting 3 hours, he would still be here with us today.. Jamie's dad passed away Nov 2005 and he had a hard time dealing with loosing his father and could not believe he was gone.. Well now Jamie is at home with his dad..Until we meet again... I am proud of you my son..Love you always and forever, Mommy
Kaylin Marie Mathews was born on a Tuesday March 1, 1988. Kaylin was my oldest child and my only daughter. She could play the piano, guitar, and drums and loved to sing. She had been "spinning records" the last few years and loved to mix music. She had been working as a d.j. at the time of her death and was very good. Kaylin was an only child for 71/2 years. She has one brother and one sister. She was a talented writer. She made jewelry and she could draw. There was nothing that my baby couldn't do, if she wanted to. Kaylin was left to die in a ravine on June 30, 2008. She was found on July 1, 2008. Her date of death is listed as a Tuesday July 1, 2008. She was 20 years old. I miss her every second of every day. The world lost an amazing talent and an amazing young woman. I lost a part of my heart.
R.J. was truly a blessing in our lives. He was the kind of son that most parents only dream of having. He always respected and obeyed his parents and never got in trouble. RJ was never in trouble in his life RJ always called home to let us know where he was and when he would be home. When he was missing and we couldn't reach him on his cell phone, we knew immediately something terrible was wrong. This is a nightmare that no parent should have to go through and we are living it. Our concern is not what we are going through, but what our son had to go through in his final moments of life.
William Michael Grandchamp better known as Billy, was born Nov 7,1979. HE was a only child. Billy had many friends. Billy often told his friends that his MOM was his best friend. Billy liked to collect sports attire like jerseys and sports caps.Everything he wore had to match. He was meticulous with his clothing, car, and home. Although, Billy had no children of his own he loved children. He told me his greatest wish was to find a good girl and settle down and have a family. That seemed to be very important to him. Even at a young age he had a gift with children. Billy's friends have always commented on how good he was with their children and how their children loved him. Billy was loved by so many people. He had over 800 friends and family members at his wake. Billy will be greatly missed by all his family and friends.
Chase lived life spontaneously with the freedom of a butterfly – a free spirit & soul – no one could hold him down, except his baby girl. She was his LIFE. There wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for her, including getting clean. Chase was clean 1.5 yrs, after 6 months in residential rehab in New Orleans, continued with NA meetings, substance abuse group counseling, and sought out a Navy recruiter who told him all he would have to do to be eligible. He seemed to be on his way, until he fell off the wagon 12 days out of jail. Turning to heroin again to deal with stress was the mistake of his life. “Chase’s Story” is shared with you on his main page. Thanks for taking time to read it. Sincere and heartfelt thanks to the FDLFD Family for taking us under their wings. “They will sing me to them, and I will hear.” ~RIP Chase~4evrYng~1985-2009
Katelynn Lillian Porter, 16, of West Elgin, was killed in a car crash on Dunborough Rd. in Elgin County. “In loving memory of Katelynn Porter. 12/12/09. 9:40 p.m.” is written between two hearts on the roadside memorial, a makeshift cross. Porter was a student at West Elgin secondary school, where officials are trying to come to grips with the news of her death, especially so close to Christmas.
Tony passed away 10 days after his 16th birthday. He asked permission to spend the night at his friends and I told him yes. I told him" I love you" and he replied "I love you too Mom. Tony was the kid who wanted to make everyone laugh. He had such a wonderful sense of humor and a big heart. He would talk to his friends for hours trying to help them solve their problems. He was a loving big brother, and a wonderful son. He would help you with anything without even being asked. Tony was an extremely intelligent child. He was always placed in advanced classes. A week before he passed we received a letter from Columbine informing us that Tony was nominated to participate in their advanced English Program. He had a gift for writing stories.
She loved all things technical and mechanical with her older brother Ian and fashion and decorating days with her older sister Genevieve. She loved Gothic country art, the workings of the human body, video games, driving and her new tattoo machine. She loved swimming and surfing. She loved all things living and loved her dog Timpleton and her parrot Thermopolis. She had a strong heart and soul, was an independent and progressive thinker, open minded and a will power like no one else. Her favorite place to go was Barnes and Noble.
Vivianna Satterfield was 15 years old! Vivi was the type of young lady that put other people in front of herself. She would always say "Peace and Love".
Kelli Laine Lewis is my only daughter. Kelli died when she was 18 after attending a party hosted by 3 adults who offered a $5.00 entry fee to come and drink all you wanted. A pretty tempting offer for teens not old enough to buy alcohol.
Growing up – she had it all. She was smart and witty - she could come up with a jovial comeback in almost any conversation or situation. She wShe was smart and witty - she could come up with a jovial comeback in almost any conversation or situation. She was always photographing everything and always laughing. She had an infectious laugh, loud and squeaky, but incredibly endearing. Taylor was a huge fan of Tyler Perry’s Madea. She owned every play and knew every word to every gospel song in the plays. She would sing them at the top of her lungs to anyone that would listen. as always photographing everything and always laughing. She had an infectious laugh, loud and squeaky, but incredibly endearing.
He went out THE FIRST TIME to celebrate being "LEGAL" with a creep he considered a friend (even though we warned him this guy was not a true friend). My son did not drive so he was picked up about ten thirty. Even when it was obvious my son was having difficulties this creep brought him to his own house , which is 4 houses away for a few hours, and dropped him off here at home in the middle of the night WITHOUT KNOCKING OR CALLING OR WAKING US UP. We found Ben in his bed the next morning when we tried to wake him.

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Signs of an overdose

Random Letters Of Thought


Evil Today

Never Coming Back

New Normal

My Definition Of Missing You

Knocked Down

God's Calling You

If I Knew

The Cord

Untitled Poem

Evil Today


As I was growing up I could recognize evil, you could see it in the way they walked, talked, looked and acted, it was easy to stay away from evil and the pain and destruction that evil caused was to those who decided to associate with evil, when you dance with the devil you will end up paying the price.


As my life progressed I avoided evil and as time passed I noticed that evil was disappearing and I never gave it another thought but on January 1st I saw evil in its truest form, it wasn’t gone like I had thought but took time off to reinvent itself.


Evil now comes in many types of people from the obvious to the girl next door, the type of person that you would invite into your home and feed them, love them and protect them with your own life, evil has no conscience, it shows no emotion and will taunt you when it takes a hold of you, evil may sometimes run in pairs or in groups or it maybe a whole family but evil runs best alone.


Every person has evil within them it’s how and what you do with it; most people will take control of this evil early on and put their evil away, far away to never allow it to surface but there are others who will embrace this evil within them, they will use this evil to take control of others lives, to bring others down, to do all they can to rise to the top of their empty, unfulfilled life only to find themselves alone which leaves them looking for another helpless, honest god loving person to bring down.


Once evil comes to the surface and is allowed to run free there is no stopping it, evil causes unbearable pain and will take over those that want to be raised above all and once evil is set free within you there is no looking back, evil will use you and hollow you out.


Through this year the evil within me has knocked on my door many times and has placed many thoughts in me that I never knew existed, I have been tempted to answer those knocks but I know that if I allow this evil to enter me even for a short moment then I have lost everything that I have believed in and everything that I have held precious in my life.


All we can do is try and recognize the evil that is hidden in others, the evil that exists and is used quickly and quietly but an evil that also plots and plans it’s every move, evil is very good at masking itself, it comes in many shapes, forms, sizes and will trick you every chance it gets.


It has become a very cold, self centered, it’s all about me and I will do anything to be recognized world.

I don’t and will never understand how one person can hurt another without care or concern, how after a brutal and uncaring act to not feel anything inside them like it is normal for them to cause this pain in others, maybe I am different, maybe I care about others and feel for others, maybe I am the odd one.

Maybe the death of my little girl has one small positive, she will never have to feel that pain again, to be deceived, and to be used for her kindness, evil didn’t win, it may have taken my daughter but it can never take her spirit, my never ending love for her or my memories of her.


It is a sad day when you have to look at everyone that may approach you with an outreached hand or an offer of help, we all now have to silently stand back and look at that person and ask ourselves what does this person want from me, what are they trying to do to me and why me?

As I was growing up evil showed itself and you were able to avoid it, making friends was easy but today we all must live in a private, protective shell and we all must live in silent fear.

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Never Coming Back

I am now coming to the realization that Danielle is not coming back, no longer will I see her smile, hear her laughter, pick on her and watch her with a come back that I didn’t see coming, never will I see her grow up, learn to drive, see the excitement as she gets her drivers license, the thrill of her first car or see her walk past us dressed in her gown as she smiles and waves to us as she receives her high school diploma.

Never will I see her face as she opens the mail to find out she was accepted to collage or get that hug and kiss from her as she climbs into her car to go to that collage as I whisper in her ear “I love you and I am so proud, you call me if you need anything and remember to call mom everyday because she worries about you”

Never will I see her fall in love and marry the man of her dreams, to go to her wedding and be the proud father of the bride as I give her away in front of all of those that love her.

Never will I have that chance to take her hand and step on the dance floor and hold her tight as I have that father and daughter dance that I have always looked forward to.

Never will I see her have a child, a child she would love and raise with the same closeness and affection that her mother had done with her.

Never will I see her grow to be the beautiful women that God had intended, to help those in need, to lend an ear for those who had no one else to turn to, to give up her bed to anyone who was in need of a good nights sleep or feed someone who was hungry.

Why was I chosen to go through the rest of my life in endless pain, with a shattered heart and an emptiness inside that leaves me an uncaring, tired and hollow shell of the man I use to be?

I have done everything in life that I believed was right, I helped those in need; I love and take care of my family like any good, strong man should. I have been a good law abiding citizen and I have never been arrested or fought the law in any way, so as I sit here and wonder what in my life did I do that was so wrong, what sin did I commit that would have God take away from me one of the most important things in my life?

What has God done? What is he doing? Why would he want me to live in constant pain and tear apart a family that praised him and followed his law?

If he chose us to change something here on earth then what could it be? Could he have taken our daughter away to show others the pain that evil causes?

I attend a victims group meeting once a month and we are all the family or friends to a loved one that has been murdered; as we all sit for hours and discuss our hurt and emptiness I have an additional hurt as I see each and every person there as the most tender, honest and caring people I have ever met, so I wonder why? Why are the good honest people of this world put through so much pain? A pain that doesn’t go away and a pain that never will.

Why does evil exist? I’m talking an evil that defies logic, an evil that can take another persons life.

Each and every life is a gift from God and each life has a purpose so how can another person take that life like it didn’t matter to anyone?

As I sit here on Thanksgiving alone as my wife cries for the loss of her youngest daughter I wonder what I have thanks for, what do I do now?

There is no thanks, there’s no celebration there is no turkey is just another day to hurt, another day I wish was over.

Christmas is next and there will be no tree, no decorations and no presents.

This was a holiday that we all looked forward to, a day that I spared no expense in the gifts that we would get for our kids, a day my wife loved as we shopped for those perfect gifts that the kids wanted.

Danielle would research the gifts she wanted on the web and when she found something she wanted she would print out a picture of that item and cut it out carefully then tape it to a separate piece of paper with the location of that gift along with the price.

She would work real hard on that list and we knew each and every year she would come dancing out of her room holding that list knowing we would most likely get just about everything on it.

Then on Christmas morning as she opened her gifts she would be so excited to see that we got her what she wanted like it was some kind of surprise.

It was so much fun to see her go from brother to brother or sister to sister to help them open their gifts because she couldn’t wait to see what they had gotten.

Another holiday that has been ruined by cold hearted, selfish, uncaring, evil people.

It’s not just us as parents that have decided not to celebrate the holidays but all of our kids experience that same deep down endless pain everyday that has us all wondering what there is to celebrate.

Then I have to look forward to New Years eve, a day that we all look forward to, a day that we all celebrate the coming of a new and fresh year, a new hope for a better life.

As people are counting down the hours then the minuets to a new year I will be counting down the hours and then the minuets to my little girl’s death.

This is what I now have to look forward to every year for the rest of my life.

If your reading this you should take a moment to look around you, at the people you love, stand up and walk up to them and hug them tight and let them know you love them, no matter what they may have done in the past.

Count your blessings and know that you are one of the lucky ones, someone that God has not taken someone you love away.

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New Normal

It is amazing what can become "normal" to us. ...

Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Christmas, birthday, Valentine ’s Day, and Easter.

Normal is that extra chocolate Easter bunny sitting on the counter because you always get your children a chocolate bunny, and this year you still bought one for the one who is not here.

is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.

Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral and being at the cemetery. Yet, feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers, see that casket, and all the crying people.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming cause you just don't like to sit through church anymore. And yet feeling like you have more faith and belief in God than you ever have had before.

Normal is going to bed feeling like your kids who are alive got cheated out of happy cheerful parents and instead they are stuck with sober, cautious people.

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your families' life.

is not sleeping very well because a thousand 'what if's' and 'why didn't I's' go through your head constantly.

is having the TV on the minute you wake up and the last thing .. you go to sleep at night, the need for noise because the silence is deafening.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind because of the hole in my heart.

is telling the story of your babies death as if it were an everyday common place activity and then gasping in horror at how awful it sounds.

And yet realizing it has become part of our normal.

is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and their birthday and survive those days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fits the occasion.

Happy Birthday? Not really.

is disliking jokes about death, funerals. Bodies being referred to as cadavers when you know they were once someone's loved one.

is being impatient with everything, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of their child.

Normal is feeling a common bond with friends in England, Australia, Netherlands, Canada, and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.

is a new friendship with another grieving mother and meeting for coffee and talking and crying together over our children and our new lives. And worrying together over our living children.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned house or did laundry or if there is any food in the house.

is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have 2 or 3 children because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that one of them is in heaven. And yet when you say only 2 to avoid that problem you feel horrible as if you have betrayed that child.

And last of all normal is hiding all the things that have become normal for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".

These things are what is 'normal' for me now.

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My Definition Of Missing You

In our lives from childhood through our adulthood we cross paths with many people, some are relatives and some are just friends; as time passes we lose touch with those we have met, they move on, some may be right around the corner while others may be on the other side of the world.

When we part we say our goodbyes and say I’ll miss you, you may stay in touch for a time but a day turns into a month and a month turns into years and you lose touch altogether but you have hope that some day maybe soon and maybe years later you will get a knock on the door or someone taps you on the shoulder at the supermarket and when you open that door or you turn around you find that one person you lost touch with, that person you said I’ll miss you so long ago; that is the hope and you hang onto that for a life time because you know their out there somewhere.

In my life I have had such hope but when Danielle died my hope of her knock on the door or that tap on the shoulder is gone.

I miss:

Her smile & laughter


As she would enter a room , she calling me stupid as I called her rama (short for geek a rama)


As we talked and the hand would go up and she would say “Whatever”


She would sit on the couch to the left of me on the love seat with her legs resting on the coffee table and I would reach over with my foot and tap her thigh and make a sound


(NaNaNa) she would laugh and tighten up her leg muscles and say “do it again” and I would with the same sound (NaNaNa) then she would grab her thigh with both hands and pull it tight with all she had and a face to match and say “Try it again” I would but nothing on her leg would move and she would say “See I’m not fat”


I would be standing in the living room and she would sneak up and punch me in the arm and turn and run as fast as she could down the hallway towards her bedroom as I chased her, she would squeal and scream all the way fearing that I would catch her.


I would turn down our street and see her walking home after getting off the school bus and I would slowly pass her, looking in the mirror to see her reaction from not giving her that short ride was priceless; the look with her hands in the air and acting like she would be walking for miles instead of 100 feet


When ever she approved of something I was doing or something I would do she would hold her right hand up and point at me with her index finger and thumb up and wink while making a clicking noise (two at a time) while shaking her finger up and down with each click.


She would stand in front of me in the living room and start to throw punches towards me and dance around while I stood there watching her then she would stop and say “Yeah I thought so” and strut away like she won (what she won I have no idea)


If she wanted money for shopping she would ask her Mom but Mom would say if you can get the money from Dad then we can go so she would walk into the living room as I watch TV and sit down and say “DADDY” can Mom have some money? Knowing that once she said “DADDY” I knew what the money was for (she always got it)


As night came and it was time for bed she would come up to me and wrap her arms around my neck, stand on her tippy toes so she could get close to my ear and whisper “I love you Dad” and then slide back enough to kiss me on the cheek. I would tell her I love her and tap her on the butt, she would walk away with a smile.


These are just a few of the things I miss, so as I lay in bed at night staring into the darkness and I mouth “I miss you” that is a miss you with no hope

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Knocked Down

In my life I have been knocked down more times than I can count and I always get back up, dust myself off and move forward.

On January 1st I was knocked down once again but this time I can’t get back up, I don’t see getting back up again.

I use to live life to what it had to offer, to love my wife and kids and to protect them from harm, to provide for them and give them everything that I could, that was my life’s goal but now I live to exist and just to exist only.

I no longer fear death but now I wait for it, if I was walking down the street and a bus jumped the curb out of control I wouldn’t get out of the way or if there was a wrong way driver on the freeway I wouldn’t avoid it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking for death but if it presents itself I am ready to go.

I am not the only one that has this thought; if you ask anyone who has lost a child they would give the same response.

I now think of life from a different angle and I have asked myself this one question; I think of my life as I form two columns, one column contains all of the times in my life that I was truly happy without any type of negative thought just pure happiness, then in the other column I place all the times that I was sad, depressed, angry, jealous, envious, worried, hurt and fearful and what I have found is that most of my life has been consumed by negativity with very little happiness, so why is life like this?

If you sit down and figure your life I think you will come to the same conclusion.

The greatest gift that God has given me in my life would be my wife, with that she has given me many beautiful, honest, loving children and I may only exist in life now I also exist for my family.

With each child God has given me I quietly thanked him and promised him that I would do the best I could to raise them & guide them in their lives then one was taken and I cant figure out why, I was told that when I see her again that she wont even know that time has past that it would be a blink of an eye and if that is so then why must I go day to day with the pain inside and what seems like a forever.

The one year of my little girls death is just around the corner and I am getting nervous not knowing if I am going to be able to handle it, I still hold out hope that she will come home soon but that thought also comes with a thought that she wont, that she is gone for a lifetime and that still and always will scare me.

No one gave me a manual on how to raise children but I learned as I went along but I know that I have what everyone else has deep inside them and that is to love and protect my children no matter what it may cost including my life.

As a father and a man I can fix anything I put my mind to so I have looked at my daughters death from the moment I was told she had died that I have to fix this, I figured if I tweak it, bend it, twist it, poke it, manipulate it, think it through or even read the instructions (men don’t read the instructions) then I can fix it.

I always had the thought that if I couldn’t fix it then it wasn’t worth fixing and it was time to get a new one.

How can I have that thought now? How dare I throw this problem away! I have to fix it. But how?

I did everything right, I raised her, protected her, would do anything for her but most importantly I loved her with all that is me so the same question I ask myself every day all day long is; WHY?

I hope she knew that I loved her.

God has placed many new as well as old friends in my life this year and for that I am truly grateful but if this is an exchange for my daughter then I will give it all back, If I must go on and exist then I will stand tall for my daughter and help others as she had in her short life.

I always thought I was strong and could handle anything but now I find that I am not as strong as I had thought and I have also found that a simple hug does incredible things so don’t be shy in life because a simple hug and smile is the greatest gift you can give another.

Although I have been knocked down and I can’t get back up I will do what I can while lying down.

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I don’t know who the author is but it’s a great poem.

God's Calling You

We little knew that morning,

God was going to call your name,

In life we loved you dearly,

In death we do the same,

It broke our hearts to lose you,

You did not go alone,

For part of us went with you,

The day God called you home,

You left us beautiful memories,

Your love is still a guide,

And though we cannot see you,

You’re always by our side,

The family chain is broken,

And nothing seems the same,

But as God calls us one by one,

The chain will link again

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If I Knew

If I knew it would be the last time

That I'd see you fall asleep,

I would tuck you in more tightly

and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time

that I see you walk out the door,

I would give you a hug and kiss

and call you back for one more.

If I knew it would be the last time

I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,

I would video tape each action and word,

so I could play them back day after day.

If I knew it would be the last time,

I could spare an extra minute to stop and say "I love you,"

instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.

If I knew it would be the last time

I would be there to share your day,

well I'm sure you'll have so many more,

so I can let just this one slip away.

For surely there's always tomorrow

to make up for an oversight,

and we always get a second chance

to make everything just right.

There will always be another day to say "I love you,"

And certainly there's another chance to say our "Anything I can do?"

But just in case I might be wrong, and today is all I get,

I'd like to say how much I love you and I hope we never forget.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike,

And today may be the last chance

you get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today?

For if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day,

That you didn't take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss

and you were too busy to grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today, and whisper in their ear,

Tell them how much you love them and that you'll always hold them dear

Take time to say "I'm sorry," "Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay."

And if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today.

--Anonymous from the Internet

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The Cord

We are connected, my child and I, by
An invisible cord not seen by the eye.
It's not like the cord that connects us at birth,
This cord can't be seen by any on Earth.
This cord does it's work right from the start,
It binds us together attached to my heart.
I know that it's there, though no-one can see
The invisible cord from my child to me.
The strength of this cord is hard to describe,
It can't be destroyed, it can't be denied.
It's stronger than any cord man could create,
It withstands any test, can hold any weight.
And though you are gone and you're not here with me,
The cord is still there but no-one can see.
It pulls at my heart, I am bruised, I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline as never before.
I'm thankful that God connects us this way,
A parent and child, death can't take away.

Author unknown

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Untitled Poem

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
but "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave--
He lost his baby too.

Author Unknown

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Friendsdontletfriendsdie.com Copyright 2007

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Made by Danielle McCarthy's Parents

We Are the Broken

 We are the broken

Our lives have changed

Our children taken,

We're filled with pain.


We look to you

To show you care.

At first you support us

Then you're not there.


We see you out

You see us too

You avoid us

That hurts too.


What did we do

For you to leave?

Our children died

Now we grieve.


We put on masks

When you are near

We scream inside

But you don't hear.


You tell us, "Move on.

Get on with your life."

We simply nod

Your words piercing like a knife.


We long to say our child's name

The one you want unspoken

So you don't call because you're afraid

Of we, who are the broken.


By: Kim Lasater

Mother of Kaylin Mathews

Copyright 2009