Grief Healing: Remembering Our Loved Ones on Valentine's Day

By Marty Tousley, APRN, BC, CT

We've barely made it through the holidays of December and January, and now the stores are filled with hearts and flowers and candy, all of it in celebration of the gift of love. But February 14 can be a difficult day for those of us who are grieving, and for some it will be the first Valentine's Day since our precious Valentine died. For us there is no celebration; there is only grief.

Sometimes, for fear of "letting go," we may find ourselves "holding on" to our pain as a way of remembering those we love. Letting go of what used to be is not an act of disloyalty, and it does not mean forgetting our loved ones who have died. Letting go means leaving behind the sorrow and pain of grief and choosing to go on, taking with us only those memories and experiences that enhance our ability to grow and expand our capacity for happiness.

If our memories are painful and unpleasant, they can be hurtful and destructive. If they create longing and hold us to the past, they can interfere with our willingness to move forward in our grief journey. But it doesn't have to be that way. We can choose which parts of life we shared that we wish to keep and which parts we wish to leave behind. We can soothe our pain by thinking of happy as well as sad memories. The happiness we experienced with our loved ones belongs to us forever.

If we decide to do so, we can choose to embrace Valentine's Day as a special day on which to commemorate our loved ones and to celebrate our love for them. Death ends a life, but it does not end the relationship we have with our loved ones who have died. The bonds of love are never severed by death, and the love we shared will never die either. For Valentine's Day this year, we can find a way to honor our loved ones, to remember them and to show them that our love is eternal.

We can build a piece of "memory time" into that particular day, or we can pack the entire day with meaning. Think of it this way: It's much easier to cope with memories we've chosen than to have them take us by surprise. Whether we are facing Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Memorial Day, an anniversary or birthday, or any other special day of our own choosing, we can immerse ourselves in the healing power of remembrance. We can go to a special place, read aloud, or listen to a favorite song. We can celebrate what once was and is no more.

Personal grief rituals are those loving activities that help us remember our loved ones, and give us a sense of connectedness, healing and peace. Creating and practicing personal grief rituals can also help us release painful situations and unpleasant memories, freeing us to make our memories a positive influence in our lives.

What follows are just a few examples of personal grief rituals. (See also the Memorials ~ Funerals ~ Rituals page on my Grief Healing Web site.) The ideas are as unique and as varied as the people who invented them; think of ways that you can adapt them and make them your own. You are limited only by your own imagination.

      If you're a writer, write. It could be an article, an anecdote, a story, a poem, a song, a letter, an obituary or a eulogy. If you don't want to write for someone else, keep a private journal and write about your feelings as you journey through your grief.

      Buy a very special candle, decorate it and light it in honor of your loved one.

     Purchase a book - perhaps a children's book - on coping with the loss of a loved one, and donate it to your local library or school. Ask the librarian to place a label inside the front cover inscribed "In memory of [your loved one's name]."

      Plant a tree, bush, shrub, garden or flower bed as a permanent growing memorial to your beloved. Mark the site with a memorial plaque, marker, bench or statue.

       Memorialize your beloved in cyberspace by lighting a virtual candle at Light a Candle Online.

       Write a special note, letter, poem, wish or prayer to your beloved, go outside, attach the paper to a balloon and let it go - or place it in a vessel and burn it, and watch the smoke rise heavenward.

       If you are harboring bad feelings or regrets, gather symbols to represent those hurtful or painful situations, events, or feelings from your past, place them in a container and hold a private burial or burning ceremony, saying goodbye and releasing them as you do so.

      Ask relatives, friends, co-workers and neighbors to gather their contributions, and put together a scrapbook or box of memories containing mementoes, letters and photographs of your loved one.

       Celebrate the life of your loved one by continuing favorite traditions or eating favorite foods.

       Select a Valentine card that you wish your beloved would have picked for you, and mail it to yourself.

       Give yourself a gift from your loved one that you always wished he or she would have given you, and think of your beloved whenever you use it or wear it.

A Thanksgiving Prayer for Grieving Families

Dear Father in heaven...
Please join our family on this Thanksgiving Day
And bless each one as we sit down to pray,
As we remember those who have joined you above,
So dearly missed and deeply loved.

Please provide us strength on this Thanksgiving Day
Bless us with memories of those faraway...
Please grant patience to family and friends as we grieve
And help us reach out to others who are bereaved.

We give thanks to You on this Thanksgiving Day
For your presence in our lives each and everyday.

For your comfort, guidance, and never ending love...
And for taking care of our loved ones...in Heaven above.

As we light this candle on this Thanksgiving Day...
And it glows in memory of those in Heaven today.

May their light always shine on us and give us light...
And may we feel their presence along with Yours tonight.

May the peace and tranquility of this Thanksgiving Day,
Be an everlasting light within each of us along the way...
Let's bow our heads and give our thanks to God above...
For our blessings, whether on earth or in heaven above.

Amen.


Author unknown

Mother's Day - Father's Day

Mother's Day and Father's Day - two holidays which parents often anticipate with great joy. Days designated to celebrate the special relationship between parents and children. For those who have lost a child, these dates can be filled with painful reminders of the child who is not there to share the day with them.

As these dates draw nearer, many bereaved parents find themselves filled with anxiety as they contemplate how they will get through another holiday.

Like many other holidays, parents find themselves having to watch others who are enjoying the festivities of the day. Those who have lost their only child question whether or not they are still parents. Often times they are not recognized as parents by others on these special days.

Following are some suggestions which might help you get through Mother's Day and Father's Day:

1. Light a special candle or buy a special flower in memory of your child.

2. Consider changing or adding a tradition to that day. If you always have your family over, make plans to go out for dinner. Take a day trip and plan a picnic.

3. Some people find it comforting to visit the child's grave.

4. Do something special for yourself. Treat yourself to a movie. Start reading a book you've always wanted to read.

Family and friends may be confused and unsure of what to say or do for the bereaved parent on these days. Some suggestions that may help are:

1. Since it is often difficult to find an appropriate card, make a card for the parent letting them know that you remember they are still a mother or father to the child that has died.

2. Don't ignore the situation. Allow parents and other family members the opportunity to talk about their feelings.

A Mothers Day Wish From Heaven

Dear Mr. Hallmark,

I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.
I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.
She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears shes cried.

I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know
that though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.
She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth
She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know youll do your best
I have done all I can do; to you Ill leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.

~ by Jody Seilheimer ~

Mothers Day 2007

We are just two of many parents

Whose wonderful child has died.

We may find support and kindness

But still we hurt deep down inside.

There are also so many children

Whose parents are no longer at their side

They too feel the pain and sadness

In everything they do in their lives

We walk a path not chosen

We live each day with grief

Still the days come and go

and we feel there's no relief.

We cant change what has happened

Although we wish we could go back

To a time when we could hug our kids

And talk, and love and laugh.

Our friends will never realize

What they have added to our lives

Their our angels who can share our grief

And let us talk and ask the Whys

This Mothers Day my wish would be

That we share the love weve lost

With those that need that helping hand

For kindness and caring have no monetary cost.

Mothers Day 2007

Lydia Regina Burns

May 2007

Musings on Halloween's Past and Present

 

On the evening I type this, the nip in the October air is a reminder that the major holidays are just around the corner. Halloween decorations have been in the stores since July and Christmas decor even as early as August. For those of us who are bereaved parents, siblings and/or grandparents this means the sooner they are "in our face" the longer we have the constant reminders that we will be facing the holidays without our child. Whether it is your first Halloween following your child's death or years down the road, such as in my situation, the holiday season stirs the emotions bringing varying levels of sadness, anxiety and sometimes even anger. With Halloween, there is the sorrow of no longer having to find that perfect costume or witnessing the delight in your child's eyes when you found just the right one.

Many parents find Halloween a particularly hard one to get t through. In the past, I always thought of it as innocuous enough; there were the costume parties with bobbing for apple, children excitedly dashing door-to-door trick-or-treating, pumpkin carving, and the occasional harmless prank. However, after my daughter Nina died, I became acutely aware of things that I never gave a second thought to in the past. For instance, my former neighbor made her whole front yard into a graveyard scene, complete with fake headstones that said R.I.P. with scary or silly epitaphs as well as hideous ghosts coming out of the earth with bony bloody fingers. Before Nina died, I too found the cemetery "creepy', but now I  look at it differently, even with a sort of reverence, and no longer have a problem going out to my daughter's grave-site, even in the middle of the night. I find the solitude of the historic countryside graveyard where she is buried peaceful and dignified and worthy of respect, and I was hurt by what I felt was apparent ridicule and distain for the final resting place of our loved ones' physical bodies to the point of tears and anger. Moreover, some of the masks and costumes portrayed faces of death in a way that I found highly offensive, especially since I knew many who lost their children to some of the means depicted. I took it personally and didn't appreciate what I perceived as a mockery of death.

Though I still don't pretend to understand the allure of the above-mentioned Halloween depictions, they aren't as painful to me as they were the first few years after Nina died. During the early grief years, we become very hypersensitive to our surroundings and more keenly conscious of anything related to death. It is pretty hard to look past the general non-bereaved population's seeming nonchalance about something we take so personally. Though we wish there was more empathy and understanding, we also know all too well that they cannot truly sympathize unless they also have walked in our shoes. It is easy to forget that we too, before our children's deaths, may have shown the same indifference. I believe that we would like to think that we wouldn't have been so callous because we now personally know how much this hurts those affected; however, before we lost our "innocence', truth be told, we probably didn't give any of it much thought. That being said, oftentimes it is still easier said than done.

On this last Halloween without Nina, I pretty much ignored all the ghoulishness surrounding this time of year. If  I do find I am having difficulty, I try very hard to focus on positive and precious memories of Halloween's past, such as her belated birthday / Halloween  party where our basement became a makeshift haunted house where giggling blindfolded costumed witches and princesses plunged their hands into bowls full of peeled grape 'eyeballs' and wet macaroni "brains" to the shrieks of "Yuck", or the photo taken of Nina on her last Halloween. No longer of trick-or-treat age, she stayed home to pass out the candy and carve an awesome  Jack-O-Lantern that she is pictured proudly along side, with her ever-present smile and that wonderful twinkle in her brown eyes. Or the photos I have of her in her costumes over the years from Care Bear to Punk Rocker. Because of my photographs and precious memories, I also realize that I was one of the "lucky' ones in that regard. There are those whose children died before they ever had the opportunity to create memories, there is the sorrow that they  were never able to experience even one holiday with that child, yet alone several, and that saddens me very much.

For those with a missing trick-or-treater this Halloween or the conspicuous empty chair at Thanksgiving dinner this year, the first ones are the most difficult. Though I find they are easier to bear as time goes on, you never really forget the absence from the family holiday gatherings of one loved so much, nor do you want to forget, really. Please try to remember that this roller-coaster grief ride each year brings different feelings. It is important that you just allow those feelings and let them happen, Try not to be waylaid by other's expectations of you. Trust your instincts and go with them. Truly, only you know what you can or cannot handle.

With gentle thoughts,

Cathy Seehuetter
TCF/St. Paul, MN

Holiday Candle Ceremony

As we light these five candles in memory of and in honor of you, we light one for our grief, one for our courage, one for our memories, one for our love, and one for our hope.

1) This candle represents our grief. The pain of losing you is intense. It reminds us of the depth of     our love for you.

2) This candle represents our courage - to confront our sorrow, to comfort each other, and to change our lives.

3) This candle is in your memory - the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other, the silly things you did, and the caring and joy you gave to us.

4) This candle is the light of love. As we enter this holiday season, day by day we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. We thank you for the gift your living brought to each of us.

5)  This candle is the light of hope. It reminds us of the love and the memories of you that are ours forever. May the glow of the flame be our source of hopefulness now and forever. We love you.

Sherry L. Williams
1985

Holiday Of sadness

When you have lost someone very dear to you, the most difficult obstacle to cross is getting through the holidays. Surviving the days where everyone around you is celebrating and spreading good cheer, while your mind is filled with memories and your heart is heavy with loneliness. Its difficult just making it through what used to be the happiest days that were once shared with a soul mate, and today carries only emptiness. The greatest challenge is to remain in the company of others who love you, when you really want to be alone with your sadness.

It makes no difference whether the loss took place last week, several months ago, or even last year. The holidays always send those deep emotions flooding right to the surface.

Just as how you deal with grief is personal and individual, so is the way you handle the holidays. Remember to be true to yourself, and dont take on too much responsibility. Let people know that your plans may be subject to change, and you cant make long term commitments just yet. Be honest with yourself and with your friends and family about how youre feeling.

Some people find it best to start new traditions, because the past ones hold memories too difficult to deal with. Talk with your family about setting expectations. Plan together any modifications you will all make to the normal holiday festivities. You may want to have a church service dedicated to the memory of your loved one. Or make an annual donation in his/her name. Perhaps join the Hospice Tree Lighting ceremony. Bring joy to another child by purchasing a special toy for the Angel Tree in memory of your child.

Its a great idea, for both you and your family, for you to write a letter to them asking for their understanding. There is a terrific example of this at the following Web Site: http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Woods/4671/holidays.html. I encourage you to take a look at it.

Be honest about how youre feeling, but when ever possible, try to include a positive twist into your thoughts. Instead of :
I miss my beloved so much, there is no Christmas without him/her.
try
I do miss my beloved. Christmas will be different this year, but I will try to enjoy it.

Instead of:
I HATE this time of year. I cant wait until its over.
try
This is a difficult time of year for me. But it does give me an opportunity to become closer to my family and friends.

Some people heal best by helping others. Try volunteering at an organization who help people with a greater need than yours. i.e. A soup kitchen, a homeless shelter, orphanages, etc. Often the best therapy is helping others. Aside from the obvious benefits of keeping your mind occupied and seeing that there are others in worse situations than yourself, charity work gives you a tremendous feeling of fulfillment. It can give you a renewed sense of purpose, so important during times of sadness.

Above all else, give yourself permission to enjoy yourself, to laugh, and to find peace. Each of these things are part of healing. Your life will never be the same, but it will go on, and it can still be good. I want you to close your eyes for just a moment. Bring into the room with you the clearest image of the person that you have lost. Now say I love you and I miss you. You will always be in my heart. I need to know... is it okay for me to be happy again?

Now, imagine the answer that you receive. If you remember your loved one in their true light, Im confident the answer will be YES.
Find peace over the holidays, and be good to you.

About the Author:
Brigitte Synesael is recognized as an authority on Alternative Medicine Information.
A published author, her latest release "You've Got Nothing To Lose But POUNDS!" was inspired by outrage at society taking advantage of a frustrated, overweight population. This well researched ebook gives more than 10 reasons that could be responsible for your weight problem besides overeating. This book is available at http://w

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Dealing with Grief in the Holiday Season

Grief is an unwanted journey. It is a journey that demands tremendous energy, self-discipline, fortitude, courage and a boatload of patience. Especially at the holidays, when you have mental pictures of how things should be and then in a stinging towel snap, you are flung back into the present reality. No sooner do you think you have it all under control when the gripping vigor and unrelenting stress of the holidays unsteady you. Holidays often magnify the feelings of grief. It is important and natural to experience the emotional, physical and spiritual aspects of it. It is unhealthy to block those avenues of expression. Therefore, the balance beam of the holidays on one side and grief on the other needs to be reckoned with. Trying to keep your sanity while dealing with your grief and the stress of the holidays is difficult. Now what do you do?

Holiday time rates high on the stress scale under normal circumstances. Add in a pinch of grief and you have a whole new standard of stress. If the grief is new, the holiday's can be excruciating. Most of us, under normal circumstances, spend our holidays trying to remind ourselves it is all about giving and getting along. It is the time of year when we try to rise above the Aunt who still pinches your 50 year old cheeks on any area of the body, the Uncle who drinks way too much and the other naughty family members who may have assigned themselves as the official family gossip or the critical doomsdayer. Yet, when you have grief or shadow grief overwhelming you, this situation becomes unbearable. It is sort of like being a Bopper Doll. With every unwanted comment, unwanted touch or demand you feel the full blow of a punch. Fortunately, there are things you can do to take an active role in getting through the holidays and not feel like an emotional punching bag. The following are important for maintaining some kind of sanity while dealing with everyone else's joyful or bah humbug holiday spirit.

• Take time for yourself. Dont over burden yourself with too many chores. Take time to plan and time to prepare for the day. Be careful not to isolate yourself. Don't cut yourself off from the support of family and friends.
• Rest. Practice relaxation techniques to help the stress level. Trying to weave your grief into your life is a difficult and a formidable task. You need rest to help you make it though tough times. Emotionally, physically and psychologically, the holidays are draining. You will need your strength.
• Shield yourself. Protect yourself from events and gatherings that are too much to handle. When asked to a gathering, ask who will be there and what they will be doing. Plan as much as you can for the approaching holidays. Be aware that this may be a difficult time with difficult people. The additional stress may affect you emotionally, mentally, and physically. It is important to be prepared for these feelings. Do holiday shopping early or give IOU's out and do the shopping when you feel more comfortable.
• Back sliding. Allow yourself to back slide. You cant always be making headway. Sometimes grief comes in waves. One week you feel like you are doing great and then the next you feel like you did when the loss first happened. Give yourself a break and dont demand too much from yourself. It takes time and backsliding is part of working your way through your grief.
• Goals. Thinking about goals shows you are healing. Set small goals just for a day and then move on to setting a goal for next week and then next month. Goals are avenues of hope for tomorrow.
• Small delights. Take pleasure in the small delights of the day as often as you can. Laughter is a wonderful delight. Remembering a wonderful time with your loved may bring tears and laughter at the same time as well as warm your heart.
• Keep a log of the decisions that come up in your life. Do like Ben Franklin and make a list of the pros and the cons for each decision. Also prioritize and determine if there are any things you can delegate. Imagine your decisions will affect no one but you. If you isolate the decision to that level, it will make it easier to understand the direct impact the decision will have on your life.
• Realize that to choose something, you are usually giving up something. So decide which would you least mind sacrificing?
• Dont second guess. Once you have made up your mind become committed to yourself and the decision.
• Hold on to your wallet. Sometimes grief can play havoc with the purse strings. People will spend more in times of depression so be careful. It is satisfactory to give IOUs to people and you can shop under better circumstances. If shopping is overwhelming, try using catalogues or shop during off hours.
• Change something. Changing traditions may be helpful. It doesn't mean you toss out the old completely. Small changes may make you feel more in control and less stressful. Recognize that holidays won't be the same. If you try to keep everything as it was, you'll be disappointed. Doing things a bit differently can acknowledge the change while preserving continuity with the past. Open presents Christmas Eve instead of Christmas morning. Vary the timing of Chanukah gift giving. Have dinner at a different time or place. Let the children take over decorating the house, the tree, baking and food preparation, etc.
• Allow the tears. Certain memories will pop into your head that may bring tears of sadness or joy but definitely memories. A particular ornament may trigger a memory. A particular gathering, food or song may bring teardrops. Think if you can handle the responsibility of the family dinner, etc. or should you ask someone else to do it? Do you want to talk about your loved one or not? Should you stay here for the holidays or go to a completely different environment?

The holidays may affect other family members. It is wise to discuss holiday plans with others and make sure there are no surprises. Respect their choices and needs as they should respect yours. Try to be open to the possibility you may have to compromise if necessary. It is important to share your concerns, feelings, and apprehensions. Allow them to know that this is a difficult time for you. Allow yourself to accept their help and let them know you appreciate their love and support at this time.

The more you understand about the complexities of grief, the better you will be able to make decisions for what is right for you. Grief affects you on an emotional, physical and mental level. The following symptoms let you know that you are reacting normally to your grief. That doesn't mean that you don't need to seek outside help from a medical doctor or counselor. It is always beneficial and necessary to check on your health and to find a non-judgmental person to talk with.

1. The physical symptoms you may experience include crying, shortness of breath, muscle weakness, tightness in the throat and chest, digestive problems, dry mouth, empty feeling, disorientation, numbness, sensitivity to noise, change in sleeping and eating patterns and an inability to swallow.
2. The emotional symptoms include depression, anger, guilt, sadness, relief, anguish, isolation, and loneliness. Many times the emotional pain is more difficult to deal with during the holidays. It is not uncommon to see dramatic changes in behavior at this time such as more outbursts. When activities become to frenzied, it is not uncommon to want to isolate yourself. Things become more confusing. There may be a tendency to increase negative behavior. Too much eating or drinking or taking over the counter medications will create more problems. It is important to talk with your doctor if you are feeling too overwhelmed. It is not a weakness - it is strength to know yourself and to ask for help.
3. The mental symptoms may include, confusion, inability to concentrate, numbness, can't make decisions, nightmares, increased anxiety, irritability and loss of self-esteem. It has been proven that the immune system is compromised by stress.

Keep in mind that if the loss has been over a year many people will expect you to be "over it". They don't understand how shadow grief creeps up at special times such as holidays and anniversaries. Be prepared to educate those who expect the impossible. Let them know you will never be "over it", but assure them you hope to eventually enjoy the holidays again. Let them know that you have been trying hard to weave the life that was to the life that now exists. Always share the vision you hold for the hope of moving forward to live a life of radiance.

Don't forget that anticipation of any holiday is generally much worse than the actual holiday.

Some people find it helpful to be with family and friends, emphasizing the familiar. Others may wish to avoid old sights and sounds. While others will find new ways to acknowledge the season.

Holidays are a time to re-examine your priorities. Ask yourself what you really delight in doing and what should you delegate or change. Enjoying yourself is not a betrayal to your loved one. Laughter and joy are not disrespectful. Give yourself and your family members permission to celebrate and take pleasure in the holidays.

The holidays always a offer a way to escape yourself by doing something for someone else, such as volunteer at a soup kitchen or visit the lonely and shut-ins. If you are up to it you might ask someone who is alone to share the day with your family. You could provide help for a needy family or donate a gift of money in your loved one's name.

Be mindful not to build a relationship to your pain but instead focus on your memories and your goals for the future. Recognize your loved one's presence by burning a special candle or hanging a stocking for your loved one in which people can put notes with their thoughts or feelings. Think about listening to music especially liked by your loved one. If you are comfortable share photographs with family and friends and remember your memories. Most of all be true to yourself. It is your journey and only you can walk the path to a life that is vibrant with your memories and hopes aimed toward all the tomorrows.

 The Bright Side - Wings of Support

Why Do the Holidays Make Loss Seem Especially Difficult?
by Theresa Lynn, RN, MSW

Holidays are a time when the world seems to slow down. We concentrate on what is important. Time is typically centered on relaxing and enjoying ourselves with family and dear friends. We nurture and celebrate our relationships, undistracted by everyday life. Consequently, any losses are felt more acutely during this time. If the pain is related to the loss of a relationship, the holidays can make the hurt more painful.

It is not unusual to feel as if we are "going crazy," especially if we have lost someone we love. However, any loss may turn our world upside down: that of a pet, a job, or a physical ability; any kind of broken relationship; possessions; or a sense of safety and security. Other occurrences can cause upheaval, including miscarriage or abortion; life plans gone awry; missing an important event; or the loss of hope, freedom, or even sobriety. Missing anything that has become familiar to us, even alcohol, cigarettes or an unhealthy relationship, can be very painful.

Loss causes many changes in our lives and can alter how we perceive the roles we play. If my child is dead, am I still a mother? Am I half a person without my life's partner? If I have lost my job, am I still a valuable member of society? Our self-esteem may plummet and we may question our identity.

If we are mourning the death of someone we love, the circumstances surrounding the death have an important effect on our grief experience. If the death was due to an illness, we may have watched the one we love suffer many debilitating changes. Terminal illness typically steals bodily functions as well as the ability to move, swallow, and communicate. It is not uncommon to have difficulty at first recalling what our loved one looked like when they were healthy.

If the death was sudden, unexpected, traumatic or violent, we are wrenched into a new reality. How can we ever feel normal again? How can anything, including the holidays, ever feel special once more? If we believe we were somehow responsible for the death, every morning is a painful reminder. While we may not be truly suicidal, we may wish for an end to our pain, because we cannot imagine ever feeling differently than we feel right now.

As we struggle to find meaning connected to our loss, we may find our faith battered. Why is it that something so unfair has happened to us? How could our God let something this painful occur? If we feel this way during a holiday that is set up around our faith, bitterness and anger may build.

Holidays are often a time of great beauty. Everything glitters with the richness of light and love. When we are in the depths of anguish and despair, we may find it hard to experience beauty. It seems that everyone around us can enjoy the festivities and this magnifies how alone we feel.

Our experience with grief is unique to us. No one else can feel exactly what we feel. Also, as individuals, every loss we have will be a different experience from all our other losses. Another person cannot completely understand how we feel.

When we lose a loved one or abilities, dreams or possessions, we must eventually learn how to move on. Somehow, we must get through our everyday routines despite the absence of this person or this thing. Similarly, the holidays make us revisit the mourning process. We must adjust, once again, to this "hole in our lives" at what previously may have been a very special time.

Food, the centerpiece of many holiday gatherings, is a nurturing, life-sustaining celebration of our relationships. But in the wake of a great loss, even if we can taste the food we eat, we may have neither the appetite nor the energy to come to the table.

Just as we cannot anticipate the extent of a loss, we cannot be completely prepared for how fragile we may feel during the holidays. However, just knowing it may happen and not being surprised by this can help.

We must be gentle with ourselves and with each other. We may have lost a piece of ourselves, but chances are that, in that death or change, we have been given something as well. If we can find out what that is, we can honor it. It is our own priceless holiday gift to ourselves

Coping with Holiday Grief